I'm here

this is one of teesha moore's collage pages that i used to create a journal cover with. i was working today and the journal caught my eye. the girl and what is says (or doesn't say) about "life" made me think, this girl is how i've been feeling the last few days. see the hands over her heart? that's me: protecting my broken heart, or maybe keeping out the pain. i'll have to be honest, i've been having a tough few days. i expected it though; as these depressed moods seem to follow tucker's bouts of being sick. i know i put on the brave face and am often told how "strong" i am. but in truth, i often suffer in silence. the reality of viewing life fragilities, particularily if that life belongs to your own child, is to say the least, difficult. how does one face such circumstances? each illness, i find, harder to handle. in the moment of crisis, i am your go to guy. i am level headed and know what needs to be done. it is instinctive to me. but when it is over, the reality sets in. i feel i go into some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. i feel sad, i feel helpless, i feel lonely, i feel hopeless,i feel exhausted, i feel afraid, i feel angry, i feel futile. this is not me, this is not who i want to be. what is one to do in such a case? i revert back to all i know; day by day; one day at a time. it's all i have, it's all i can handle.